Thursday, October 6, 2011

Growing like a turtle

     Slow and steady wins the race? I don't necessarily know about winning anything, but I think I may have been created to be like an ordinary turtle.  My thought process is a fairly lengthy one, but I know it's for a good reason.  I am a very passionate person, not as in crazy romantic, but as in whatever I do, I do with my whole heart and for a greater purpose.  Passionate people aren't known for their patience.  I have learned that most of my quick reactions later become mistakes, and to fix that I have slowly learned that I need to process things before I react.  I'm not perfect at this, remember, I am ordinary.  However I do feel that I have made a lot of progress in this area in the past few years.  This is something that I have become proud of myself for.  Granted I know there have been friends along the way supporting me, but in the end this was something that I have to step up on my own and actually accomplish.
     I have learned this patience, not from mentors but from those I've mentored including all students past and present.  I am grateful for the lessons I have learned from them, and not just from their mistakes but also seeing their strength through adversity.  Some are my greatest heroes.  They have shown me what true hope looks like.  I don't know if I ever made a difference in their lives, I mean I hope I did, but even if I didn't I have to be ok with that and know that it doesn't mean I should stop trying.  I've been given a heart to help those who feel lost or need a hand in life.  I don't have the answers all the time, actually I rarely do, but the simple fact of being there is what I can provide and that is what I will do.
     This is the stuff that I have slowly learned, over time, and through many, many mistakes.  I hope in the end I have become and continue to be a better person, friend, and daughter.  Even if I came across "The Ooze" I think I would walk away, I like who I have become, I think I'm on the path I'm supposed to be, slow and steady, like an ordinary turtle.  

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Pain and compliments

I am ordinary, but I am also unique, I am ordinarily unique and it's a strange concept to live. As I have explained before, I have grown up in the middle of the road my whole life, I am the epitome of a middle class American. I am ordinary. However I believe that I have been created by something that is extraordinary. This extraordinary being gave me compassion for teenagers, compassion for music and art, and a never ending ache to be something more. I am grateful and fulfilled by those first two gifts, but it is the third one that is almost like a curse. I can fulfill the ache for a short time, but no matter how hard I try or how much I feel satisfied, in the end the ache returns. I can't explain the ache fully, but it's a combination of being overwhelmed, on the verge of tears with a physical pain in my heart. Unfortunately I have learned to ignore the ache when I feel hopeless in the situation, but I'm not proud of ignoring this call. And that's what I feel it is... It's a call from my Creator giving me a gift to be able to feel like Him, it's is both a gift I'd like to return but also be able to use more than I have. Maybe someday I'll be able to stand up and do more, actually it would be better said that I hope that someday is soon and I am willing to listen. Together we, as am Him and I, will see where that goes.

The greatest compliment I ever received was from a friend who both recognized and pointed out an ability that I had been given to understand the motives of people in my life. I seek out realness, to me there is no point or meaning or learning from those who cannot fully be themselves around me. I have people in my life that I am able to learn from and grow together with, if you're not going to help me with this, then I don't want you in my life. Harsh yes, but real and I don't have room for a fruitless friendship in my life.

In the future, I hope that I find meaningful friendships, continue to live out my passions, and keep searching for a relief to the ache, but until then I will be ordinary.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Less than expected.

     Even though I see myself as ordinary, nothing spectacular, however unique because I live a life of high expectations.  I am not by any means a 'perfectionist', but I do feel that in life we always have to try to be our best to succeed at our dreams and aspirations.  
     This view has been instilled in me since I was young from my parents.  They saw my capabilities and pushed me to be my best.  I wasn't the best overall in anything, and I think my parents unknowingly created a sense of disappointment in me, which is something I still struggle with today.... living up to my parents expectations and not be a disappointment to them.  
     I've found that in my new career that I have become disappointed in the lack of initiative in both my students and co-workers.  I am a fairly positive person, looking for the best in others, and encouraging them to see the best in themselves.  I think that's why I work with teenagers, they are the greatest challenge, but in that I also find the greatest reward when one of them sees the possibilities that are before them.  I find that many are concentrated on the negatives... variables that we don't have much control over.  All of our students lack motivation and work ethic to succeed in regular education.  However in intellect most are at grade level, if not above, so it's not because they can't, it's just because they choose not to that they were chosen to be in this new innovative program.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job.  It is with these types of students that I get my greatest challenges and also my greatest rewards.  But at times it feels as if it's an uphill battle against both the students who are not willing at all and some of the other teachers there who are only concentrating on what the kids can't do, instead of what they can.  They look at problems instead of solutions, and putting the kids down instead of building them up.  
    I expect more out of people than what most give out.  Maybe it's a default and I need to learn how to not let it get to me.  Maybe is a challenge that I've been given to instill in others.  Either way changes need to be made in most people... including myself.  I am learning, and I am trying, and for me that's where I start. Hopefully others will take notice and follow.... and maybe it will lead to something extraordinary.  

Saturday, September 24, 2011

my ordinary life

     So, I've never been much of a writer... in fact I've never been good at really expressing myself in any way so this is going to be an interesting feat.  I've labeled my blog as ordinary, which I think is a perfect description of my life as I will explain in this first post.

     I've grown up in a good, middle of the road family.  Sure, we had our issues, everyone does, but in the end I knew I was loved and cared for.  I wasn't a spoiled child, but I can't remember not getting anything that I really wanted.  In reality I didn't want a lot.  I loved spending time outside, in the fresh air, doing almost anything.  Running around with no shoes on, riding my bike as fast as I possibly could around my block, and catching lightning bugs at dusk in the summer.... these are some of my favorite childhood memories.  Nothing spectacular, just ordinary.
     I always loved school, I liked learning about new things... I was kinda weird.  Sometimes things came easy for me, other times they didn't, but I was able to do fairly well in school.  My parents always held education as a high priority and it rubbed off on me, but I'm ok with that.  Not a genius, just ordinary.
     This next part is one that has caused me some of the greatest heartache, and also greatest joys.....  friends.  I consider myself a shy person, or maybe reserved is a better word.  Even though with this depiction of myself, I found that I had an easy time making friends growing up.  I have a easy going, even tempered, and loyal personality, but the older I get, the pickier I am about who I let into my life.  I try to be a real person, open and honest with who I am, and if I see falseness in others, I run away.  Not popular, just ordinary.
     I have some talents, but I am in no way a professional or perfect at any of them, and all took lots of practice.  I like art and almost anything about it.  I paint, draw, in general I just like to create.  I like to sing, and I wish I was more musically talented in areas, but I'll settle for being friends with those who are.  I like competition and athletics, so I am decent at shooting a basket and hitting a ball.  Not gifted, just ordinary.

     I just embarked on a new journey in my life.  Moved to a new town for a new job.  I am unknown to anyone in the area.  It's both a scary and exciting time.  I can reinvent myself.  I can become extraordinary if I wanted.    This is a blog of my journey.  I came as an ordinary girl, maybe I'll stay that way, maybe something will change me.... in the end.... well, we'll see what happens!!