Growing like a turtle

     Slow and steady wins the race? I don't necessarily know about winning anything, but I think I may have been created to be like an ordinary turtle.  My thought process is a fairly lengthy one, but I know it's for a good reason.  I am a very passionate person, not as in crazy romantic, but as in whatever I do, I do with my whole heart and for a greater purpose.  Passionate people aren't known for their patience.  I have learned that most of my quick reactions later become mistakes, and to fix that I have slowly learned that I need to process things before I react.  I'm not perfect at this, remember, I am ordinary.  However I do feel that I have made a lot of progress in this area in the past few years.  This is something that I have become proud of myself for.  Granted I know there have been friends along the way supporting me, but in the end this was something that I have to step up on my own and actually accomplish.
     I have learned this patience, not from mentors but from those I've mentored including all students past and present.  I am grateful for the lessons I have learned from them, and not just from their mistakes but also seeing their strength through adversity.  Some are my greatest heroes.  They have shown me what true hope looks like.  I don't know if I ever made a difference in their lives, I mean I hope I did, but even if I didn't I have to be ok with that and know that it doesn't mean I should stop trying.  I've been given a heart to help those who feel lost or need a hand in life.  I don't have the answers all the time, actually I rarely do, but the simple fact of being there is what I can provide and that is what I will do.
     This is the stuff that I have slowly learned, over time, and through many, many mistakes.  I hope in the end I have become and continue to be a better person, friend, and daughter.  Even if I came across "The Ooze" I think I would walk away, I like who I have become, I think I'm on the path I'm supposed to be, slow and steady, like an ordinary turtle.  

Pain and compliments

I am ordinary, but I am also unique, I am ordinarily unique and it's a strange concept to live. As I have explained before, I have grown up in the middle of the road my whole life, I am the epitome of a middle class American. I am ordinary. However I believe that I have been created by something that is extraordinary. This extraordinary being gave me compassion for teenagers, compassion for music and art, and a never ending ache to be something more. I am grateful and fulfilled by those first two gifts, but it is the third one that is almost like a curse. I can fulfill the ache for a short time, but no matter how hard I try or how much I feel satisfied, in the end the ache returns. I can't explain the ache fully, but it's a combination of being overwhelmed, on the verge of tears with a physical pain in my heart. Unfortunately I have learned to ignore the ache when I feel hopeless in the situation, but I'm not proud of ignoring this call. And that's what I feel it is... It's a call from my Creator giving me a gift to be able to feel like Him, it's is both a gift I'd like to return but also be able to use more than I have. Maybe someday I'll be able to stand up and do more, actually it would be better said that I hope that someday is soon and I am willing to listen. Together we, as am Him and I, will see where that goes.

The greatest compliment I ever received was from a friend who both recognized and pointed out an ability that I had been given to understand the motives of people in my life. I seek out realness, to me there is no point or meaning or learning from those who cannot fully be themselves around me. I have people in my life that I am able to learn from and grow together with, if you're not going to help me with this, then I don't want you in my life. Harsh yes, but real and I don't have room for a fruitless friendship in my life.




In the future, I hope that I find meaningful friendships, continue to live out my passions, and keep searching for a relief to the ache, but until then I will be ordinary.